Who Am I?

Four senses are in your head.

The Eyes that see are in your face, you can view from different perspectives, the optic nerve connects straight into your brain.

The nose is on your face, it breathes in the energy of life and inhales the memory of smells.

The Ears that listen are on either side of your head with the cochlear inside your brain.

The tongue with its palate for sweet and sour is inside your mouth, helping decide your tastes in life.

The fifth sense of touch, the nerves in the skin relay the information, a little delayed, through the spinal cord keeping your brain informed about how your body feels.

The impressions these senses gather travel to the brain where the information is analysed and is available instantly, every moment you are awake. Being mindful is being aware of the moment and the world around you without judging what your senses perceive.

There is a sixth sense, your mind, where you think about the information your senses gather and you form feelings, ideas and emotions based on your perceptions.

There is another sense beyond all the senses, beyond the mind. The mind chatters but who is it chattering to? It is your spirit, your true nature, your true self, your soul, psyche, the one who observes without judgement, beyond ego.

The other senses cover it over but if you can you can get in touch with it, it will unite you with the universe.

If you learn to quieten the senses in meditation you can go beyond your mind where the senses cease to exist. When your mind is open, still and quiet you can glimpse the essence of who you truly are.

Who am I? I am part of the universe. I am who we all are, I am energy. Your sense of being is your energy, the energy shared with the universe. It is you, it is part of you, it is all of you, it is in you, and it connects you with the spirit of the universe, in the way the five senses connect you with your physical world.

Emotional Healing Through Yoga Part 1

Everything that ever happened to you is held in your body and central nervous system. When good things happen it affects your whole body in a positive way, your endocrine system releases happy hormones that make you feel good and benefit your whole body making you glow from the inside. When bad things happen it affects your whole body in a negative way but there is always a weaker part which will be affected more. If the negativity isn't resolved and released the weak part gets weaker and sometimes develops into a chronic pain. 

As children we don't have the resources to deal with tragic events and trauma, emotional pain is overwhelming so the body shuts it off. The body comes to the defence of the whole being, doing things to stop the pain from being fully experienced. But long after the event has passed, the body continues its defence of the whole-self, causing problems in the body that will persist into adult hood until the issue is released.

Stress triggers your sympathetic nervous system - flight or fight stimulating the release of cortisol and adrenalin which suppresses the immune system, increases blood sugar and decreases bone formation. Yoga stimulates the release of good hormones, oxytocin and prolactin from the pituitary gland are responsible for feelings of love and it stimulates the vagus nerve which slows the heart rate and blood pressure, allowing you to relax and gives you a sense of well being.

By gently working on sore parts of the body through yoga we can gently persuade tight muscles to loosen and in the process free old frustrations and emotions.

I know yoga usually makes you feel wonderful but occasionally it happens that you find tears rolling down your cheeks, maybe you can identify the cause of the emotional flood or maybe you can't. What has happened is a posture has opened up an old repressed emotion and let it out, the tears are a cleanse and more than likely afterwards you are going to feel like a weight has been lifted and you can see your way forward into a bright new freshness. There may be more work to be done, but you have made an amazing break-through allowing things to change and you open up to new opportunities. 

Yoga is partly about recognizing and accepting that things change, it frees us from attachment to things that have passed their use-by date. As the earth spins through space we see the sun move across the sky; the constellations appear and disappear; the seasons come and go; the tides ebb and flow with the phases of the moon; flowers bloom and wither. As we practice yoga we watch ourselves change as we transition from posture to posture, watching changes in our breath, heart rate, body temperature, blood pressure, muscles relaxing. You can even watch your emotions change through the practice. Our feelings and our thoughts are also constantly changing. Resistance to change or holding onto the past causes  the body to tense and tighten up blocking the natural flow of energies through the body, the energy can get stuck creating blocks in the form of a tight hip, sore back or frozen shoulder or a myriad of other pains. Physical and emotional pain is a signal to the brain that there is something wrong and needs to be worked through both physically and mentally. 

If we try to block out an emotional pain because it hurts too much, we are denying ourselves the chance to grow and the pain will persist affecting your body. An emotion is what you feel, it may be a part of you, but it doesn't define who you are. Just because you feel sad doesn't mean you are a sad person, the same with other negative emotions like jealousy, anger and frustration, it's normal to feel them but don't become them. Many people can't see through a negative emotion, they let it take them over, it becomes who they think they are and they often take the negativity out on others which only serves to make themselves feel guilty, perpetuating the negativity. 

With practice it is possible to observe the negative emotion, to accept that it is a part of you at the time, the emotion will soon pass. If you give it space to be what it is without interfering with it, it will go away. In this way you open yourself to fully experience the emotion and have the knowledge that it will change because that is the nature of emotions - they change. This is also the case with positive emotions, it is just as important not to be attached to positive emotions if you wish to obtain equilibrium, give them space and feel them fully, they will change. But as we free negativity there is a whole lot more space and time to fill with positivity. If you try to push a negative emotion away it will persist, niggling away at you. By believing in an emotion we give it substance and power over us, by believing in the story of why it should be there we are giving it fuel. Instead of trying not to feel it or over analyzing and getting involved in the story, allow yourself to feel the raw emotion, when you look at it fully it looses it's grip, it looses its power and it changes or dissolves. You liberate it and you liberate yourself.

I know for myself it is a bit of a roller coaster as extremely good and extremely bad things seem to happen in my life. I keep observing and let myself feel, I don't get scared of what I'm feeling, even when it's kind of scary because I know that it is going to change when it is ready. I just keep on being myself and tell myself that everything is going to be ok. 

Negative emotions can arise out of nowhere during yoga practice. When unsuppressed, these moments are giving you a chance to liberate them and offering you a chance of renewal. Every moment is a new moment, a chance to start afresh with renewed fresh energy so let go of the old energy and allow yourself to be filled with new vitality.

Part 2 will offer specific yoga postures for specific problem areas.

Princess Sarah

I dont know how I've done it but I've done it again. Touched down in paradise yet again and this time even been told I am the princess. There really is a castle in the garden. And I am really here. Somehow I'm here in paradise. I think it is real, it seems too perfect to be real.

I arrived by bus, train and taxi. I was on the bus for a long a time, not because it is a long bus trip,  I caught the right bus but going in the wrong direction so I had to go all the way to the end of the route and then all the way back to the other end of the route. It was sort of like taking the hop-on-hop-off bus tour of Palermo except in an ordinary bus. I got to the train station with the train leaving in two minutes. But I caught it and it was running 5 minutes late anyway.

I got off the train in Cefalu - 'shefaloo' - and waited for a taxi. I grabbed a nice tomato and cheese bread roll for lunch while I waited. The taxi drove along a winding road along the the sea-side. Thats the Mediterranean sea, a more beautiful blue I have rarely seen, at least not that shade of green/blue. [unnesesary interjection - the blue of the whitsunday sea is yet to be surpassed in my eyes]. The taxi wound its way up a hill through an orchard and I was greeted by the cutest young Italian man you could ever be hoped to be greeted by.  He booked me in and invited me to a special luncheon they are having tomorrow - tomorrow is easter Sunday. I asked if I might be able to eat dinner there in the evening. He went and asked a lady - an elegant lady in the kitchen called Rosie who said that would be ok and her husband, Francesco said at 7:00. Then the young Italian man - Dominico, showed me to my room. He carried my 30kg bag for me (haha sucker) and then I went for a ramble over the grounds. I kept meeting the Dominico  as I wandered through the gardens of the villas. I said to him "we must be the only two people on earth; we keep meeting each other". He picked me fruit off the trees.

I can't do justice in words to describe this place and how I felt to be walking through it. It over looks the sea to the front and behind is a mountain side covered in grass, and citrus trees in flower and fruit and olive trees, and wild flowers, purple peas and yellow clover, an old cement pond with running water and a blue pool over looking the blue Mediterranean.

This morning I was wondering where to stay. There was an email offering accomodation.  This place said it had one single room left, I had been told to go to to Cefalu and the villa is in Cefalu so I booked it. Pretty cool to be able to book into paradise via email.

I did a little yoga, it is so quiet and self contained in this place, a private retreat. At 7pm I went down for dinner. They asked if I would like to sit outside in the garden for dinner  to watch the sea, the sunset, with my castle in the back ground because tonight I am the Princess. I had the lovely girl Cinzia serving me, with four other people working in the kitchen to make my extrordinary five course dinner - I am the only guest. A banquet for a Princess. Cinzia keeps running back to the kitchen to repeat to them what I tell her - I am a yoga teacher from Australia who decided on Friday to jump on a plane and fly over to Italy on Tuesday. They are so amazed. I am of course the beautiful Princess with the pure heart who's subjects love for her kindness.

Superb food, superb Sicilian wine, so superb to be waited on, they each come out in turn from the kitchen bringing me things. We talk about Australia and the Hunter Valley, I showed them some photos of Mirannie Mountain, my old home I had that was a farm. I told them how much I love Italy. After my first course of cheese and pesto watching the sunset, they transported me inside for the next two courses. They took a long time to eat as we had so much to say to each other. As I struggled to finish the third and fourth course they came from the kitchen and invited me to join them all together around a table for thier dinner.

What an amazing evening. We talked, and talked and talked about to love your family no matter what they do to you. We talked about zen and that if you let everything arise naturally everything is perfect and happy and not to worry, be happy. We talked about karate and Kill Bill. We talked about Italy and how I got here, that Italy whistled and I came and that everyone who I am supposed to meet is in the right place at the right time, and Sicily and where I should visit,  about Botticelli and Primavera, about all my David's - of course they saw the photos of my fish. And to finish off we clink glasses of desert wine all together over strawberries and cream.

I am so grateful to have been so blessed. It is humbling to have this.

I bought a beautiful scarf this morning from a hawker at Palermo. It is keeping my sore throat warm in bed.

Life doesn't come better than this. Not if you were an emperor or a  queen or a king. I don't know how to express it.

My Mother is Blessed

I am in Sicily.  I came here for: I didn't know why. I am in a town called Palermo in a hostel I chose simply for the reason it has a yoga room. I did my yoga, following the same sequence I follow for a class - I realize why we do class that way - because I like it, it is a nice way to do yoga. After savasana I began my meditation sitting on a cushion, as one does. Myself posed me a conundrum.

"I have my own wonderful yoga room on the other side of the world so why do I find myself all this way, as far away as I can possibly find, in a yoga room. I think to myself I must have a large problem that I need to see from a different perspective,  a problem I needed to remove myself from, to get as far away from as is possible to so as to be able to see it more clearly, from a distance. Some people on the way have given me a fresh view.

The problem is my mother and why she would wish to hurt me as deeply as possible and then not even be able to admit to herself that she did anything wrong. I knew that she would blame me for reacting to her betrayal by accusing me of being responsible for reacting. And I was right. She believes that her betrayal of me never happened, that she did nothing wrong in inviting my x husband to spend a lovely christmas day with my family and completely denying me.

Ok so I got over this and rang her to hear that I have something wrong with me by being offended.

Well.

So I decided I must try to understand this from her point of view. All I can see is that she she thinks all that matters is that she had a lovely day for Christmas. The consequence of loising me - her daughter, is of no consequence because she had a lovely day. I see that in her complete self-centerdness she is unable to perceive my feelings.

I found that by coming to the realization that my mother blames me for everything I freed myself from accepting her guilt.

There is a powerful buddhist saying to take the blame unto oneself and give the victory to others. I believe that deciding to take the blame is different to accepting the blame imposed on me by her and I refused to accept taking her blame anymore. Some insightful people in Italy have been able to point out to me what my mother blames me for, because I was unable to fathom it myself. She blames me because she lives in an unhappy marriage and chose to stay in that state. She sees my x husband as the perfect husband. I see that I chose my husband because he is just like my mother because control and blame were all that I was used to in my life and he kept me in my comfort zone.

Fast forward... discover myself, find happiness, divorce controlling husband and give up everything I loved to be true to myself.

My mother never did this, she chose to stay in her unhappiness, of couse pretending that by doing so, she is content. Whilst I shed my unhappy situation and chose true happiness.

So I followed the buddhist dharma. Identify the suffering - my suffering is that my mother wishes to cause me harm. It is difficult because we are also supposed to treat all beings as if they are your mother. So I found compassion for my mother and I accepted that she blames me. I will not accrpt that I am at fault - because I am not, I have done nothing wrong in finding my own true happiness in my true nature. I do however accept that she blames me for this.

Then I gave her the victory. And what a wonderful victory I gave her. I gave her the victory of giving birth to me. Because what a wonderful achievement that is, to be my mother. Because I am the most forgiving, happy, joyful person I can be. I am the one who never gives up, who is never beaten, who achieves the impossible because nothing is impossible.

One time ago I realized that I must love my mother because she is is my mother now I realize that I can love my mother because she gave birth to me. She should be so grateful that she achieved such a fine birth, she was truely blessed the day she gave birth to me. I have achieved the impossible once again by forgiving the unforgivable.

Now I have no problem.

A Moment

It is a sunny morning. I am in Monterosso in Cinque Terra on the Italian west coast. Italian people and birds are calling and singing  to their friends. I can hear the tinkle of cutlery and the sound of salt and pepper being set on tables. I went out to buy a coffee, a take-away cappuccino, in a styrofoam cup. I got two sugars and a little plastic stirring stick. I stirred in the sugar and started to lift the cup to my lips when I was suddenly struck motionless. I was standing by the sea, my eyes caught a glimpse of where I was and I was so struck by what my eyes saw, I was dumb founded - literally,  as I have lost my voice and cannot express through sound what I feel.

I looked and saw the sea sparkling with the rays of the morning sun as if it had been strewn with one thousand blue diamonds.

Over awed by the concept that somehow I have managed to bring my self to this amazing place and point in time, my eyes filled with tears of gratitude. I feel myself to be as in a dream, only in dreams can one feel moments where spirit, beauty, and worldly being are perfectly combined and here in my life I found myself standing in such a moment. Totally being as part of and the same as everything that existed at and in the same moments as me. I was the light, the sparkles were me, the water was the same as me, the air, the mountains, the sounds, the sand, we all were one in the same, possessed of and part of the one and the same energy. My mind, my body, my world, my time, my everthing existed combined into one.

I don't know why it is me who deserves to be in a moment of total bliss, but for that it is me I am eternally grateful. I am grateful to the traumas in my life for they trained me to find the way out. I can see perfection. I am living the dream.

This photo is not of this moment but I went back to take a photo from the same place. The blurriness somehow captures the dream-like quality of the moment though what I saw was as clear as crystal :)

what did I do today? Saturday 12th April

I have a cold. It is years since I had a cold. I had to stay in bed with my cold last night and couldn't go down to the party :(. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I am sort of enjoying being sick, it's like visiting an old friend who I had forgotten about because I don't like them very much.

I couldn't sleep most of the night,  eventually it got near morning and I like soooo didn't want to get up. Bed was so nice and warm and cosy. But I have a special Florence card that gets me in to all the galleries and museums without waiting. I am so glad I bought it, I didn't have to book or pay anything more and the entry people like you, I guess it shows that I am seriously interested in their beautiful city and its art. It lasts 3 days, today was the last. Yesterday I went to the Accademia to see the statue of David the day before I went to the Uffizi, today I could climb all the way to top of the dome of the Domo 467 stairs, with a cold. I did well!

But that wasn't the first thing I did. I walked to the river, across the bridge and up the road to Orgnissanti basilica to find the tomb of Botticelli.  He asked in his will to buried at the feet of his muse, Simonetta Vespucci.  Amerigo Vespucci the explorer is buried there too. America is named after him. I also found Bernini. So, tick, one promise fulfilled.

Then I walked very slowly towards the Duomo, looking in all the beautiful shop windows. I am photo- shopping, taking a photo of what I would buy for my friends if I was to buy them something, it is very economical, and saves on space. I went into a chemist near the merry-go-round and bought some cold tablets.

I was so thirsty by the time I got to the Domo and I bought a bottle of sparkling water.  There was a really, really long line of people waiting to climb up the dome, they would be waiting for hours. And there is a really short line for special people. Of course I get to join the really short line. But I have to go and get a ticket and come back. The ticket man smiled at me, after my climb I popped back in to tell him how cool I thought it was from up there. There is no line at all and I started the climb all by myself, which is only a little freaky.  467 steps later I reached the top. I stopped a few times to catch my breath and write my name on the wall like everyone else. I took the sign that said "do not write on the walls" to mean "write your name on the wall".

It's a wonderful view of Florence from up there. All the terracotta roofs stretching out far below and I saw at the top of a hill a little castle tower. All day long that castle tower keeps popping into my view.

There is a party going on downstairs at the hostel. It is sure to be fabulous but I feel so sick and my stomach feels grose. I feel too shy to go down. But I will go. ...I went down and got a bottle of sparking water. My friend Rosa is there but I forgot to put my shoes on and the marble floors are cold. I'm back in bed again now.

I'm in a private room tonight and I can see the little castle at the top of the hill from my window. I tried to walk to find it this afternoon but I only got as close as a high wall on the other side of a valley. Rosa just told me that you have to get there from the other side.

After I stood on the top of my head on the top of the Duomo and climbed all the way back down the stairs I remembered that I wanted to go to the Pitty Palace.  It is a very pretty palace with lovely rooms. I was extremely daunted when I walked out the back to see the enormous extent of the gardens. My poor legs cried out in protest and my feet joined them, but I kept encouraging them, "just walk a little bit further, climb a few more stairs, see what is around the next corner, let's find out what is over the rise. Then there in front of me was a park of grass with little white and yellow wild flowers. It was just what I needed, somewhere to lie down and have a nap.

When I opened my eyes again I was looking at the little castle on the top of the hill. Inside the palace was an exhibition of costumes, so special. Also jewels and gold plates and all the stuff they keep in palaces.

Soon my friends will be waking up to see the photos of their gifts on facebook. I hope they like them :)

I Decided to go to Italy on Tuesday

Last Friday night I didn't have much to do, I was sitting at the computer and I typed in "cheap flights to Italy". At the same time my friend posted a post on Facebook with a picture of  Cinque Terra. "I might go there next week" I posted. I thought about it for ten minutes and then then hit the 'buy the cheap flight now button'.

As I was now leaving for Italy on Tuesday,  I had 3 days to get organized. For the rest of Friday night I imagined where I might like to go and sent a message to my best friend in the whole world.  Her name is Wiwa and she lives in Rome. She is like a shining light, lighting up the world around her, she is so funny and lovely. She sent me a message back: "Amazing! But I am in London". I wasn't worried about that. I could go on and do the rest of my tour and meet her in Rome at the end. "I shall go straight to Florence " I messaged her back.

On Saturday I went to the shops to buy a new suitcase, a new camera, a new comb & some toothpaste, travel insurance and got some brochures on Italy. I began to text my yoga students to let them know that I will be away for 4 weeks.  Everybody was very excited! I think most of them found it unbelievable.

On Sunday my son Wayland came over and supervised me packing, he was very helpful with advice on which outfits to take and shoes. I took my new black boots to get a stronger soul put on, unfortunately they weren't ready when I went back to get them on Monday and then I forgot. Never mind, I have my fabulous blue boots that people call out to me "I love your boots" as I stride by. And my blue shiny thongs to match my exquisite long french blue dress. And we chose the cutest little outfit to wear on the journey. Looking good at the airport you gets good service. I got out my passport and translator, my best guess handbag with the heavy chain that Wayland pointed out could be used as a weapon if the need ever arose. We also went up to my friend, Deb's house to say good bye.

On Monday I had 3 classes and the middle of the day to run around and do all the official things you need to do when going over to Italy the next day like getting Euros to spend from the bank. My friend, Nicola invited me to lunch so I could tell her all about it too, & I went around my other shop friends and bumped into anybody else who needed to know.  I had a big karate class because I had organized Friday's class to join in Monday's class for the end of term - which turned out to be a fantastic idea as it meant I was free to go to Italy for the school holidays. It was a full-on class of action, karate and games.

My friend Marsha came and got my fish, David & Warrior Moon as she is my nominated fish sitter. At 5:30pm I had my last yoga class.

After class my friend David came over to make sure I had packed everything I needed to take. I was all set. I told him this: "You know how at certain times in my life everything seems perfect but it still feels like something is missing?"
"Yes" he said (as I have told him this before.)
"Well on Thursday I felt like that again but it didn't feel like anything was missing.  And I went up a level in my life"
"Oh, is that how it works?" He said
"Yes", I said,"and this is my reward. Like when you are playing splashy fish and you go up a level you get a golden crown, not that I can get a crown in splasy fish, infact I usually score 1 or less, but now  I have scored a crown in life"
David doesn't know how to play splashy fish either but he got the general idea.

Chapter XVI The Security Blanket Comes Back

The security blanket came back. 

It found Lucy sitting huddled in the corner of a dingy brown and dusty room with no windows or doors. She was dressed all in brown and had wrapped herself in an old dusty brown blanket she had found. Even after everything she had done still she felt like no one loved her. Her Cat was dead, her aunty who she had found to love her was dead, and the picnic rug had turned evil. He had taken the children away on a picnic and they had never come back. She asked the security blanket to go away and leave her alone. 

Lucy couldn't see the light through the window

First the security blanket had to find the way out of the room as there were no windows or doors. Fortunately the room was missing two walls and a ceiling - much like the set of a stage, but Lucy could only see the confined space because she was covered over in misery and despair.

The security blanket left her there and blew out through the missing wall. It flew up into the sky in its hot air balloon and went in search of Lucy's heart.

The security blanket in his hot-air balloon disguised as a dog

Lucy had once had a heart but it had been so hurt that she had had to let it go. It wasn't fair to make it stay with her because it was too injured, she let it die so it could go and have peace in heaven.  She left it up there where she knew they would take care of it, be kind to it and help it slowly mend its wounds. 

Being taken care of in heaven

The security blanket went all the way up to heaven find Lucy's old heart. She had replaced her old heart with a shiny new one that didn't have the stains of her suffering embedded in it. But the shock of the betrayal of her family had forced the new heart to see all Lucy's old memories. And it had taken her down to the dusty room and covered itself over with a dusty brown blanket in sympathy for what Lucy had gone through.

Lucy exchanged hearts in heaven

The security blanket found the good old heart and told it that Lucy was feeling sad and lonely. The good heart got into the hot-air balloon with the security blanket and they started on the journey back down to Lucy.  It was a very big basket with plenty of space so a couple of angels came too.
 
As they floated around the heavens in their hot air balloon they collected a few more characters to bring with them. They found Spider Cat and Mooney, Aunty Bernie and lots of white ducks. They told them that Lucy was sad; her heart was feeling empty without them. So they climbed into the basket to come for the ride. They found a peacock, a mermaid, a rabbit, some chickens and a goat, the goat could see as clearly as crystal because no one is blind in heaven.

The security blanket maneuvered the hot air balloon back down towards earth. And landed right inside Lucy's brown room, which was quite easy as it had no ceiling. It climbed out of the basket  and gently shook Lucy by the shoulder. It had a present for her. It was a fish in a bowl. A very special fish in a bowl full of potential.  If she couldn't have a family at least she could have a fish. Even if it is a very possessive fish who worries about her when she goes out. It is nice for her to know there is someone waiting for at home even if he is impatiently tapping his fin.

And then the security blanket got Spider cat and gave it to Lucy's new heart. Lucy squeezed the cat so tightly and patted its fur while it purred with happiness.  Then Mooney jumped out of the basket and put her head in Lucy's lap. She had lots of milk to give in heaven. She had been to the moon and back. The peacock came in, a symbol of new life. It spread its tail feathers wide to show off its myriad of peacock eyes, so many different ways to perceive the world.

The angels helped Aunty Bernie out of the balloon and all three of them went and hugged Lucy.
 
Because Lucy felt she couldn't move out of her brown dusty room because she was so oppressed by misery, the security blanket filled up the room around her with joy. It gathered up all the things that Lucy's old heart had loved and gave them to the new heart that had replaced it. The new heart filled up with love. 

 
The old heart waited in the balloon. It didn't want to give the new heart the burden of its old life. It wanted Lucy to be free and live with the freshness her new heart had given her. So it just sent its love and the things that had brought it joy from its old life.  
 
From the cover of the dusty brown blanket Lucy looked at the old heart. She knew now what it had gone through, all those old memories of a life that had treated the good heart so harshly. Lucy saw what a strong heart it was to have suffered through so much and still remain pure. Then she looked around her. The dusty brown room had filled up with colour. There was a blue fish swimming round in its bowl, its name was David. There was an iridescent peacock showing off its magnificent tail, its name was David. She looked back at the story, there was a birthday party for her first boyfriend, his name was David. The room was filled up with David.

 
But that wasn't all that was in the room. There were rainbows and angels and spider cats and a wonder snail and a large sized little boy called Wayland. There was a mermaid and chickens and ducks and a rabbit. The room was flooded with light that poured in through the window. She could see the door. And in through the door came her cat family. Dozens and dozens of cat friends and dog friends from all over the world filled up the room with love and chatter and laughter.

They all know what it feels like to be covered over by an old dusty rug. Lucy knew that they have all felt sad and lonely, like they were covered by an old dusty rug at times in their lives. Just like she. Now none of them were alone anymore because they all had each other.

Chapter XV A Sign

Lucy waited for a sign that her sorrow and misery would come to an end. She meditated on a stick. The stick didn't move but she knew that nothing stays the same forever and after a long time a breeze blew strong enough to cause the stick to roll away and down the path.

She waited. The sign arrived. It was heralded by the arrival of a peahen in her garden one afternoon. She was slavishly bringing in the washing for her ungrateful family when around the corner of the house came a strange, large bird. It walked around the yard with the chickens for the rest of the afternoon.

In the morning Lucy looked out and couldn't quite believe her eyes. There was a peacock standing on a mound in the paddock.

She knew it was the sign she had been waiting for. That very afternoon she sold the house and property to the next door neighbour. At last, after years of torture she was able to see some light beginning to shine.

When the picnic rug had turned evil Lucy had tried to run out the gate but he had slammed the gate as she had tried to run through and left her wedged between the post and the gate for years. As much as Lucy struggled to free herself, the gate seemed to be jammed, squeezing the life out of her.

The peacock arrived and untied the chain that was holding the rusted gate and set Lucy free.

For the next number of months while the sale of the house was arranged the Peacock, named David, stayed with Lucy, giving her courage. He would find her in the afternoons and they would sit together watching the sunset.

Lucy found homes for all the animals to go to, the evil picnic rug didn't care about them. She advertised for a kind lady who came to look after the blind goat, her name was Kathy, she said that it was important to take care of these special animals. Lucy knew Mamada was going to a good home.

The man from the pet shop came and helped Lucy catch David and his mate. He took them to a safe home at Hunter Valley Zoo. Lucy and Wayland visited him the other day. He was most surprised and pleased to see Lucy. He looked very well and happy.

Lucy was free of her hideous marriage but to get away she had had to give up her children. The evil picnic rug stole the house she was going to move into with the boys and left her with nowhere to go. She had to go and stay in a friend’s spare room until she could find a place of her own, but by the time that would happen she had had to agree to the boys living with the evil picnic rug.

This was what they wanted to do anyway because the evil picnic rug let them do whatever they wanted to do, they were allowed to drink poisonous coke and play computer games for all hours and watch bad movies and TV all day long. He even let them go for drives in the boots of friend’s cars. Travelling in the boot of a car is a very dangerous practice, and the eldest son learnt this the hard way when he was smashed in one. The evil picnic rug didn't even tell Lucy her son had nearly been killed and was in hospital. Poor Lucy was spending the day worrying about loosing her favourite purple cardigan, which you will be relieved to know a nice girl found and gave back to her. Wayland eventually rang one day and asked if she had heard the news, that William had been in bad car accident.

You might wonder how Lucy managed to become happy again after all her suffering. She sat on her big red cusion in the empty house that she no longer owned. she had nothing. She gave up her farm, she gave up her animals, she gave up her family, she had no home, no money, no possessions, everything was gone. And in giving everything up and owning nothing she made room for all the wonderful new things that would come into her life.

Peacocks are a symbol of renewal and resurrection.

Chapter XIV The Locked Draw

Chapter 14 is in replacement for chapter 13 which was deleted because of too much sorrow. It was not originally intended to become part of this story but I think it will serve the purpose of helping to describe the state of Lucy's heart.

The Locked Draw

It was locked in a drawer. At night I would hear it rattle, rattling, trying to get out. But the drawer was locked. I held the key but couldn't bring myself to let it out. I was scared, not of it, but what would become of it. It had been harmed before, I couldn't risk it again, and so it remained hidden from the eyes of the world.

Night after night I would lie in bed, staring through the blackness, listening to it knocking and shaking. Eventually sleep would come and I would forget, until the next night when again it would start thumping and pounding.

"IT" is my heart.

Once upon a time, when I was a little girl, I had a heart like any innocent little child's heart, it was unblemished as a gem stone, as pure as gold, and as quick as silver. Then I started to grow up and watch the world around me. I saw the rot, and the greed, and the cruelty. The gems in my heart started to shatter with every harsh unneeded word, just a chip, and a sliver when kindness would cry. Each little chip and tiny splinter I saved in my jewel box, and when the box was full (it did not take long) I put them in the Locked draw.

Then the gold began to melt. As I grew older I was taught about the world. People killed people. "Why?" I would ask. People destroyed trees and animals and the earth they lived from. I learnt about wars and violence and pain. "Why?" I could only ask, I did not understand. I discovered the answer was "Money" and the gold melted from my heart. When the last drop had fallen, I gathered them up and put them in the locked draw.

Now I only had the quicksilver left. Luckily it was able to slide and move with all the blows it was dealt, sadly, sometimes it would slip. My heart was shattered, battered and bruised. I had seen badness all around me, always trying to creep inside, and destroying the world I live in. Peoples' greed still craved for more shiny coins and more paper money and so they ignored the death and destruction, and the disasters that their greed was causing. The planet was dying and they didn't care.

Even the silver was slowly seeping out from my heart. I tried to run, to hide from what I saw. The evil managed well without me and trouble didn't go away. I caught the silver drops as I ran, and put them away in the heavy draw.

Now I lie each night, listening to my shattered and broken heart. I cannot bear to let it out.

Maybe one day they will mend the world and I will borrow the glue strong enough to mend my heart. Until them I must listen to it cry out for a greedy, dying world. As I sleep I dream I have a heart, as precious as a gem, as good as gold and as solid as silver.
And when I wake I live with one of cold metal and solid rock.

Chapter XIII Unlucky Sorrow

Chapter 13 is deleted because it was unlucky and too full of sorrow

XII The Death of the Cat

Warning: this chapter made me cry.

Lucy's aunt was the meanest person you could ever meet.

Three weeks before he fell off the roof and cracked his head open, Lucy had rung her Uncle John. They marveled to each other how someone as mean as Aunty Bernie, could turn out to be one of the loveliest people to know. He told her that when they were young and invited friends over, it could be a disaster. If she was there, they could count on her to behave like a demon, nasty and embarrassing. She was an epileptic and took the same medication for years and years and years. She was a hypochondriac; she could become ill at will. She spoiled so many family occasions, by vomiting at weddings or having migraines at birthdays, she was so terrible, Lucy was scared to death of her when she was a little girl. The worm just about ignored her.

One day, the worm got a phone call from one of Bernie's two friends. She was so concerned about her that she felt someone from the family needed to do something to help her, she didn't think Bernie would make it through the winter in the squalor she was living in. Uncle John had died, so the worm was obliged to step in. Lucy had grown up by now and they went over to see her; I'll describe what her flat was like in a moment...

They took her to a very good hospital. Her room had a view of Sydney Harbour and with some proper food and care, her senility disappeared, and her health got better. AND they changed the medication she had been taking for epilepsy. Her whole personality changed. For all those years, nearly her whole life, the medication for epilepsy had been poisoning her system, without it she became the sweetest, dearest little old lady. Lucy loved her.

It took six months, once or twice a week, to clean out her flat. She had an entire room devoted to paper, newspapers mostly, sixteen years' worth. It was obviously a new form of recycling, she never threw one away. Lucy waded knee deep through this sea of paper, she couldn't just bundle it up and chuck it; there were insurance papers and important letters that had to be gone though. Lucy found an old note, written when Bernie was a school girl; when she grew up she imagined a happy life as a wife and mother, like many little girls. But I tell you what, if anyone was destined to be an old maid, it was Aunty Bernie. Lucy asked her once during one of their weekly phone calls why she had never married? Bernie told her that when she was young, all the young men had gone to war (WWII), and so many never came home, there weren't enough men to go round. She never found one for herself. Wow, no one would have married such a mean person, and any child she might have had would have been a sorry one. When she got better she would sometimes come to help clean out the flat, she grew very fond of Lucy’s little monster, William (he had improved somewhat over the years).

Lucy had the job of cleaning out the bathroom. There were many plastic containers, with white socks and stockings that had been left to soak for I don't know how many months or years, and half empty containers of laundry bleach. The bathtub was the rubbish bin, and all the tiles had fallen off the wall, staining everything brown. Lucy found it amusing how many little pieces of soap were amongst the mess, you know how you never know what to do with a bar of soap when it gets too small to hold?  Well apparently, you save them all up in the bathtub for later use. Lucy wondered how she even fitted in the shower recess, with all the containers of soaking underwear.

The dingy kitchen (the worm’s job) was indescribable. That Bernie hadn't died of salmonella poisoning was a wonder. She used to feed a neighbouring cat that she had befriended; the bench was covered in old tin cans of cat food. She hadn't put them in the rubbish; she had filled them with water and left them all over the kitchen. I'm not sure that she would actually have been able to cook anything, it took a while to actually find the stove, and the grill was thick with grease. The washing up had never been done. The pantry was scary, I think she had bred a new species of spider in its bowels; they looked very similar to red backs, except they lacked the red stripe on their back. Lucy opened an old tin of sardines to the give to the cat, the sardines in the tin had turned green, the cat looked at Lucy to say, "you've got to be kidding?", turned tail and ran! I don't think it ever came back!

Lucy found the vacuum cleaner in the bottom of the linen cupboard but when she tried to introduce it to the dust that was a foot thick on the wall under the bed, it let out a shriek and carked it.

Lucy tidied up the lounge room, ducking for cover from the multitude of moths. She untangled all the balls of wool, (Bernie used to knit) and rewound old wooden cotton reels that were spun with pure silk. She threw away safety pins, old cough lollies and leaking pens. Lucy wanted her to know that they hadn't just chucked her stuff away, that they had done it respectfully. In a dust laden cupboard, Lucy found complete sets of leather-bound books, all the classic books that have ever been written, he blew the dust off them to keep, a life time's worth of reading.

Bernie didn't believe in putting clothes away, the garage was like one huge laundry pile, they took many, many bags to St Vincent De Paul. She was a great reader; they carted away cartons of paperbacks books. So many puzzle books went to the recycling center, along with all the newspapers, they had to hire a truck to cart it all away!

Bernie just could never throw anything away. Poor Aunty Bernie, to have been so sadly neglected all her life, because her medication made her into a person that other people couldn't bear to be around, what a sad tragedy.

Will you be able to believe that with new medication, she became a pleasure to know?

They found her a nice, sunny hostel near the sea, where she lived for another 10 years, Lucy enjoyed a long distance phone call from her every week. Aunty Bernie loved hearing all about the farm animals, especially when baby ducks hatched out, and the baby birds in their nests. Lucy even managed to persuade her to come and visit once, her only holiday in decades. She stayed in a Bed & Breakfast a few km's away, where she was very comfortable.

But there was something in her aura that seemed to cause chaos. During her holiday, Lucy had to suffer through the 2nd worst day of her life. When Aunty Bernie arrived, she showed her all over the farm, two of the cows came up the hill, but Lucy's milking cow, Mooney didn't follow. Lucy thought she wouldn't be far away. I can't help but feel if Aunty Bernie hadn't been there, Lucy would have gone across the hill to look for her, but it was Lucy’s job to take care of Bernie and couldn't walk off and leave her. They had a picnic down at the creek with all the little birds.

The next day, was very hot. Lucy’s Cat had fallen very ill. This was a real live cat, named Spider Cat, she had lived with Lucy for many years, since long before she had met the picnic rug. She needed to be taken to the vet, about an hour’s drive away. Spider Cat was in the car and they were just about to leave, when the picnic rug came over and said that Mooney was dead.

Lucy felt sick.

Mooney had somehow tangled her legs up in the barbed wire fence. I don't know why she had tried to jump over the fence, maybe she was trying to get to a bull on the other side, or protect her calf from a snake, Wayland thought a fox had chased her.

It's terrible to imagine how Lucy felt when she saw Mooney's bloated body strangled in the fence. But she couldn't stop, she had Spider Cat in the car with Aunty Bernie, they had to go to the vet. The vet was very kind, he gave Spider cat an intravenous fluid as she was badly dehydrated. He took a blood sample and gave Lucy some tablets to give to her. But he said things were not looking good.

Lucy had Spider Cat for 16 years, she had saved her life. When she was young with no one to love her, Spider Cat had come into her life and given her something to love. She was her familiar. They used to go for walks in the night together. When they lived in the city, she would trot along the footpath behind Lucy, and when they moved to the county, they went for rambling walks over hillsides, sometimes they just sat beside each out in the garden and at night they watched the stars together. Spider cat had her full nine lives, she been run over, been a city cat, a country cat, seen Lucy meet the picnic rug and have 3 children. She never liked any of them much. She only loved Lucy. Once she jumped up on to the bed, savagely bit the picnic rug on the big toe that protruding from the end of the covers and fled out of their flat. Lucy should have taken notice of her opinion; it would have saved her a lot of grief. The family always tried to get her like them, they would give her dinner, they loved her, they greatly respected her; but she was a one-person cat, she only wanted Lucy for herself, she never really appreciated Lucy having a family to love as well.

When Aunty Bernie and Lucy eventually got home (Lucy had to teach swimming in the afternoon) the vet had called to say Spider Cat had an advanced cancer and she was going to die.

Despite this horrible day, Lucy had to carry on with life and looking after Aunty Bernie on her little holiday, which she was glad to do, it didn't give time to dwell on her sadness. Plenty of sadness was to come as she nursed Spider Cat through her last weeks. Spider took up residence in the bathroom on the cool tiles. Lucy told her she was the best friend she ever had. Spider Cat eventually passed away as Lucy stroked her, lying outside in the shade under the trailer. She had a proper burial with all of Lucy’s family, the witch, the worm, her sister Polly, even her little sister was there. Spider is buried in the garden, under the roots of a purple hibiscus. She has a bulb of Bella Donna, Lucy’s favourite flower the deadly nightshade, her favourite scent, planted over her. The next day the hibiscus burst into flower for the very first time.

Aunty Bernie stayed for a few days, and had a very enjoyable time. The people who ran the guest house were very kind to her, and told Lucy how sweet Bernie was. They took her to muster cattle in their ute! The two of them also stayed for two nights in the vineyards; where they were spoilt and went on beautiful country drives. Then Lucy drove her home to Sydney.

Eventually, Aunty Bernie died as Lucy held her hand. Lucy felt her spirit leave her body and float away  over the sea to heaven.

XI Destruction and Dreams come true

Lucy was woken one morning by a terrible noise. She looked out the window and saw a convoy of trucks, graders and bulldozers trundling down the driveway into the bush. She tried to run out to stop them but Pignig wouldn't let her. She had to shudder helplessly inside, huddling under the security blanket with William and the cat while they mercilessly felled all the trees. The entire 25 acres of bush was totally decimated. Lucy wanted to save some of the flowers, she went outside and dug up some bulbs. The bulldozer was getting closer and closer. It wasn't going to stop. The trees came crashing down around her and she had to flee back inside with a handful of bulbs, all that remained of her idyllic world where trees had reached up to touch the sky. They demolished trees so old their girth was so wide the family couldn't hold hands and reach around. All completely flattened in just 6 days, the same amount of time it had taken God to create the world. On the seventh day they burnt it. They pushed all the fallen trunks and leaves into huge pyres and set them alight. For weeks the green wood smoldered, sending toxic smoke billowing high in to the atmosphere, choking Lucy and her family as Lucy choked on her tears.

Sunset of Destruction.
 At least now Lucy had a clear view of the sky

They left the grove of trees around the house (for then), though if you were to go there today you would find the house is an old shed full of junk, surrounded by no trees at all. From far in the distance when you looked back you would see a huge rectangle of bare land, a scar in the bush. Eventually they built a canopy of netting to keep birds off the apple trees that they planted. Poisonous apples, as it is the practice of the Tadrosse to spray the fruit with toxic chemicals before selling the apples to markets.

Her heart was broken, her beautiful fairy world was totally destroyed. All the homes for the animals, the holes in hollow trees, all the nests of the birds were all gone. Lucy’s home was gone, where was she to go to now? She had nearly saved up enough money to buy a cow, but she needed more money so she could buy a paddock to keep it in.

She got the family to help her cast a magic spell. Seven times clockwise they weaved round the glade, chanting a rhyme to bring them some money. Lucy scattered magic as they walked and talked, using a picture they had from an old poker machine as the catalyst*. They hit the jackpot! Within a week they received word that Ray had died and left Lucy a fortune. Do you remember Ray? He had given Lucy the ticket to see the Pirates of Penzance at the Opera house that day. Now he had saved her, she truly was blessed.

[Authors note: I need to interject to tell you that the wicked witch insisted that she gave Lucy this money because she used to do Ray's cooking and cleaning and she handed Lucy the cheque.]

This was not all Ray and his family gave to Lucy. His mother was tiny and frail and old, she was a saint. When Lucy was very small she made her two toys. One was a rabbit dressed in blue trousers with a carrot in his pocket for meal times. The other was a cat with an apron with a pocket with a fish (that sounds familiar, a little girl playing with her cat and a fish?). They were exquisitely made with needle and thread. Lucy loves them. She also left Lucy the OBE she had been presented with by the Queen during the silver jubilee. Lucy loved Mrs Fry with all her tiny might. She died many years ago.

They could buy the farm Lucy had always dreamed of. She made a wish. She wished for 16 acres of beautiful land. She wanted a view and a creek and a line of poplar trees. She wanted trees around her but not near her. The bush was lovely but she wanted to be able to see the sky. She added to her dream. She wanted to create a bird sanctuary. She wanted to replace all the little birds whose home had been destroyed by the bulldozers.

They searched far and wide for the most beautiful place to live. They found it at the foot of Mirannie Mountain in the beautiful Hunter Valley. 16 acres, a spring fed creek that never ran dry during the following seven year drought. Poplar trees and willows grew right along the winding creek. The house perched on top of a hill with a clear view of the sky but plenty of trees grew around. She planted native bushes to provide food for the birds.She made fountains for them to drink from. She watched trees grow from saplings into tall gums. Tiny thorn bills, fairy wrens, robins and finches happily nested in the trees and bushes around the home and down at the creek. She watched their population spread through her garden then up and down the road and eventually all the way to town.

She fulfilled her dream of milking a cow. She bought a poddy-calf from a neighbour up the road. Lucy hand reared it by feeding it powdered milk and pellets. She needed it to be tame. The name of the calf was Mooney, she grew into a fine black and white Friesian cow, just like Hendrika, the Cow who Fell in the Canal (that is someone else’s story). She made friends with a neighbouring bull and nine months later gave birth to a calf. Cows make a lot of milk. Lucy milked her in the morning, on a three legged stool a friend made for her before letting the calf have its breakfast.

It was the creamiest, freshest milk you could ever imagine. They made milkshakes and strawberry ice-cream (the most divine smell you could ever smell) and they had fabulous coffee with fresh cream on top. It didn't always go to plan; occasionally Mooney would kick over the bucket or put her great clod hopping hoof right in the bucket, totally spoiling the milk. Then Lucy would have to wash and sterilize it all over again. She made sure Matilda and William learned how to milk the cow, it wouldn't be much good if they had to grow up with the same ambition as Lucy.

There were plenty of farm animals for the children to play with. White ducks and a rabbit called Slothly, Geese and a guinea pig, chickens for eggs, and a blind goat who originally came with the name Matilda that was changed to Mamada so Matilda wouldn't get mixed up. Mamada was a whirling dervish in another life; she spent hours and hours walking round and round in circles.

Lucy had a new baby she named Wayland. Wayland means the path-way land; he arrived on her pathway through life. His second name was an old family name, Forrester. Together his name became the pathway through the forest.  He had a third name – Jack meaning healthy, strong & full of vital energy. Wayland was an ancient Celtic folk hero, a super black-smith in Lucy’s favourite book called Faeiry Tale. Lucy had him to become the protector of the forest.

Wayland's Smithy in Oxfordshire
 Some say that Wayland forged Excalibur at his forge near Uffington.
 If you leave an unshod horse there overnight, in the morning he will be found shoed!

Lucy’s life was complete. She had everything she had ever dreamed of. She had a loving family, a farm and a cow, she had a creek and birds and animals who loved her. She grew a beautiful garden with fruit trees, vegetables and flowers. They still didn't have much money but William said they were rich in flowers. She was quite content. 

She was quite content. She was quite content.

But what was she supposed to do now? She had completed doing everything she wanted to do. She lay in the sun in her hammock.

*catalyst - something that makes a change happen or brings about an event.

1236 Mirannie Rd Reedy Creek by Google maps 2010